The boy slid his tray over to sit across from the girl in a story as old as this world and, no doubt, many others. Both ignored the jibes from his friends and the barely suppressed excitement from her friends as his green aura reached out for her yellow one. I couldn't see any of their friends’ auras. Only hers and his.
Just like yesterday when they'd connected, auras first, across the center aisle of the cafeteria. So thrilled to see two whole-body glows instead of the usual spark or spot, I'd pushed my energy toward them. Not to change the connection, just to make the couple more aware of it. Their auras blended, and they smiled. Then a friend of his slapped him on the shoulder to get his attention, and zap. It all disappeared.
But it had to mean something. I’d seen couples flirt and even hook up right in front of me with no auras in sight. I had to do something, for their sake and my own. Never mind my two previous aura-reading debacles—not caused by of my sight, exactly, but my reaction to seeing.
So, I’d approached the girl, Maria, in Biology class. Yes, she liked him, but her brother and parents would never approve of her dating a white boy.
But you’re yellow and he’s green, I wanted to say. His practical side will balance your spontaneity. But she didn’t see this. I barely could. Still, I told her to follow her heart.
Ooh, fascinating! The first line felt slightly awkward to me, but the rest of it flowed perfectly and I'm definitely intrigued. Nice job!
ReplyDelete(P.S. The link on Elle's page takes you to a previous post about Speak, not to your main page. I think people might not realize you posted this today!)
I'm going to be honest, the first paragraph kind of confused me. But, as I read on, I managed to figure things out. It got very interesting when I realized the MC can read auras! Cool indeed. I loved the line, 'But you're yellow and he's green.' Like it's something EVERYONE should know or see! Great job Jennifer!
ReplyDeleteLove the "but your yellow and he's green" line. I agree that the first line is odd, feel's a bit omnipresent or something.
ReplyDeletebtw, when I click on your name on the list, it takes me to Sept 19. I found your blogfest entry while scrolling my blogger reader.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting that she reads auras. I wondered immediately why does she have to do something "for their sake and my own"? You make it sound urgent, but it is only the first page : )
ReplyDeleteSorry I put in the wrong link on the list!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks, everyone, for reading and commenting!
I was confused with the first paragraph as well. Maybe make that a little more clearer. Also, how is she at risk if the two don't get together? I didn't get that. With that said, I really love this premise and I would definitely continue reading. Wonderful scene! :D
ReplyDeleteI'm agreeing with the other comments so far. Your 1st paragraph tripped me up (maybe too fancy), but the rest of it really flowed. I'm interested for sure!
ReplyDeleteHi Jennifer. I was a bit unsure about the first paragraph, though I think with a little tightening it would still work. I thought it sounded rather poetic actually, and the last sentence about auras helped clear it up in my mind. I was really hooked by the third paragraph. Would definitely keep on reading. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteRach
I'm agreeing with the other comments, too. The first sentence threw me. And this first use of "I" (3rd sentence) also stopped me. Maybe start with "I" so the reader knows who to connect with as the MC right away.
ReplyDeleteI love the concept of a person who can see auras. And I wanted to know why the connection would be important to the MC, too. Good luck with it!
the auras concept is intriguing--if you could find a way to work it into the first line, that would be a great hook, something like this:
ReplyDeleteThe boy slid his tray over to sit across from the girl and his green aura reached out for her yellow one.
The first line was pretty, but I didn't understand what it had to do with auras, which seemed to be the jist of the hook. I like that your MC wants to promote the romance between these two people. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteThanks to all of your input, I've gone to a first para that's about the protag and her aura sight then going to the couple in the second paragraph...I'm thinking/hoping the flow works better now, and it's more clearly in the protag's voice.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone!
Wondering what happened the last time she tried to help...sounds like it didn't end up well. Is she still getting the hang of this aura reading ability?
ReplyDeleteI have a better sense of the couple than I do of the main character. Still, I like the idea of matching people by auras.
ReplyDeleteA matchmaker who reads auras–what a clever premise!
ReplyDeleteThe allusion to previous aura-reading debacles took me out of the moment. Would love to read about them elsewhere, when you have room to provide more details.
Funny thing about the first sentence not fitting with the rest. I had the exact same problem with an older version of my beginning.
Thanks for sharing!